as I read one more rejection email for a job that I know I would be a great fit for.
as the feeling of despair permeates my bones.
as I feel the grief of losing a career that I saw as my life's calling.
as everything within me wants to give up.
as I look at my wife and daughters knowing that I have no way to support them.
as the options are nonexistent.
as the pain of not knowing if you will ever get to the other side overwhelms your body.
as I can't take the rejection anymore.
as the sand of the hourglass runs out with the last of the money.
when I can't fake optimism anymore.
when I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
when I cling to the hope that my God is not far off, but promised to be with me through it all!
I am in the toughest season of my life. I started looking for a new role in church ministry in 2019 after I graduated with my Masters. I went into this search to start a new chapter with great optimism, eagerness and prayer. I polished up the resume and started looking at new ministry opportunities and applying to the ones that I thought would be perfect for our family. Each time, came the no. Then I changed my approach with a new resume, and I got some interviews with the same no. I broadened my search and continued to evaluate what I wanted to do with my life. Then 2020 happened, so I chipped in to keep our church going and kept applying with the same lack of success. We had some transition in our church and I cranked up the intensity of the search and all I got was high blood pressure.
In the midst of this, I felt the Lord calling me to start a podcast, so on December 1, I started 2 Minute Disciple and God gave me this platform and audience. I feel like I am on to something here and doing God's will, but I ended up transitioning out of my role as a Children's Pastor and I'm trying to figure out how to pay the bills. It is hard to trust God to come through! However this journey through the Gospels and Acts has taught me that even when we feel despair God is working to get us where he wants us.
I wanted to document how I am feeling in this moment, not for pity or sympathy, but to help others to have hope in the God who is there with us in the despair. Thank you for listening.
